Day 1

I've written in almost every detail of my days so it might not be that thrilling a read, but I know mum will want to know all about it, so here goes. You already know the first bit, because you were there, but my friends will want to know how the flight went, so I left it all in.

 We left mum's house really early in the morning, carrying the suitcase I've probably overpacked. I'd been really stressed out trying to organise it all and I hadn't really been sleeping, so I wasn't feeling so crash hot, but that was okay, because I was really excited. We met up with dad at the airport and mum and I voted (I didn't vote below the line this time, it's only the state election and anyway I had slightly more important things on my mind). We passed a krispy kreme and we decided to get some which is relevant because as we were waiting I I looked over dad's shoulder and the comedian Tom Gleeson was standing there, which made me feel better because stand-up comedian= good omen, but I didn't say anything, because geez can't a guy get a donut?  

  So we went back to Tim who was minding the huge suitcase for me (thankyou, Tim), and I said goodbye to the 'rents, trying to convince mum I'd be ok because I was on a quest for the master sword and sometimes bad things happen on quests but it's alright because I'm stout of heart and it always works out for the hero in the end, at which point she told me to shut up, and that she's never heard a woman refer to themselves as stout of anything. I promised dad I wouldn't go to any protests or do anything that would get me shot by angry communists, and I was off.

  I got a window seat on the plane, which I thought was awesome until I had to get up every 10 minutes to throw up. The girl beside me was not happy.

  The moment I stepped off the plane there was a military presence. No kidding. they had guns and helmets and everything. What was also slightly irritating was that the people who were shouting instructions all switched to English when they saw me, even though I was the only foreigner except for this greek woman who didn't understand any English anyway.

  When I got out of the airport I found a taxi, driven by a woman, which was reassuring. What was less reassuring is the fact that they drive like crazy people here. Maybe not Vietnam crazy, but sufficiently crazy enough to make me close my eyes. In the hour it took to get to the hotel I saw 4 instances of indicating, and everybody was swerving all over the place. I comforted myself by looking at a box that was n the back seat, that had a picture of a bear on it and the words,

       "everying do become great happiness"

Excellent. 

  I asked if she spoke English and she didn't (which was ok because I knew enough Chinese to tell her where I needed to go and that I needed a receipt), which turned out to be not entirely true as she displayed great proficiency at English swear words.

  "Shit!" She'd cry, "mother-ass-fucker!" as we swerved someone who just cut in front of us, no warning at all.

  "Ni zhu zai Shanghai (Do you live in Shanghai)?" I asked.

  "Shide. Shanghai hen da, bu hen anjing. Mei guanxi, wo xihuan. Ni xihuan Shanghai. (yes. Shanghai is very big, not very quiet. But its ok, I like it. You like Shanghai)" She assured me, and then, as we did a U-turn into oncoming traffic, "cocksucker... cocksucker."

  
I got to the hotel fine, but had a problem when I realised my phone's battery had died and that it had the pin number for my card in it. I had to rush out of the hotel in search of a phone card, until I found a man selling them from his bicycle. He, like the taxi driver, didn't speak any English, and I had a harder time trying to ask for what I needed.

  'Wo xiang da dianhua Meierben (I want to call Melbourne)"

  "Wo bu zhidao ( I don't know, followed by rapid chinese I didn't follow, but took to mean, "Hurry up and tell me want you want lady, or leave me alone so I can continue my disreputable-looking bicycle phone-card service in peace")"

   "Aodaliya (Australia)" I clarified.

  He rummaged in his bag for the right one and showed my a calculator with how much, and I was able to call my parents and explain that, yes, I was a dickhead and that I would talk to them again soon.

  So I lugged my thoroughly overpacked bag up to level 16, where I collapsed into bed and fell asleep fully dressed.

  And now it is breakfast time, and will have to venture out of my hotel room at some point, so goodbye everyone, and I'll write again tomorrow.

Love, Ellen

P.S. Helen and Natassja, I totally passed a starbucks on the taxi ride. Just thought you should know.